(Source: pussy-envy, via westcoastdreams)
TRIGGER WARNING: Emotional abuse, writing about disassociating, etc.
This portrait is based on a dream that I’ve had about my grandmother… and I think it’s a really good one that kinda describes my experience with my grandmother as a child/teenager.
In the dream I am in this building similar to Market Square in Victoria (with an opening in the middle for people to gather around, sit down, eat, people watch etc and all around you are various stores and restaurants). My sister is with me. I’m exploring all the stores, opening the doors and looking inside to see what sort of treasures were in there. One store has a room full of gems, so I run through it all and shove them into my pockets, then I look down and realize the gems turned into maggots, so I run out of the store.
My sister and I then decide to go to the very top of the building where our grandmother apparently live. As we go inside, I tell my grandma about the room full of gems that turned into maggots. But as I tell her, I see how she’s looking at me really strangely, so I stop and start to back away from her. She looks at me with this really eerie expression while hiding something behind her back and signing with one hand that I have been a bad little girl that has been doing everything the wrong way, and that she’d fix me.
She then raised her hand up and then hit my head with a hammer.
I then woke up.
——
My grandma recently died a few months ago. I experienced a mixture of sadness, relief, happiness, empathy, but I was mostly just numb. I have a problem with becoming completely numb in any situation that involves dealing with heavy emotions. I just can’t do it. It takes me months or years even before I’m able to feel something such as grief. Because of this, I can become completely distressed about something that happened ten years ago as opposed to something that happened this year. I also cannot be around people who are grieving about something at the same time (such as funerals) it gives me a full-blown panic attack and I have to get away from people. All this is because of what I went through with my grandma as a child. It’s hard to write about the specifics in a public space like this but I’ll say that I was repeatedly told to believe something happened to me that didn’t really happen (my grandma suffered from extreme paranoia, anxiety, and delusions). Eventually I had to disassociate from myself and accept the stories as truth and lied to everyone and myself as a way to get through it. This was basically from when I was a baby until I was 9 years old then I accepted and lied about it until I was 15. Now my first instinct to anything hard is to avoid, hide, and not feel. It’s really hard to stay present in such situations and I often have a fear that I am a false person, that my feelings are not real, and that I am a bad person. I’ve done so much work and am very proud but there’s still a lot of work to do. So much of what I have done so far, has been about processing things in a private way. Talking to family & partners about it. Writing in a locked journal. Etc. Now I’m feeling like I need to be more open about it.
I’ve been thinking about doing an art project about it and slowly start openly writing about it, especially because I feel like there must be others out there who went through what I did and it’d be really good to connect with them.
p.s If any of this really hits home for you, maybe we could talk?
“
What is Emotional Abuse?
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.
Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones (Engel, 1992, p. 10).
” —- UIUC Counselling Center (via emotionalabuseawareness)
(Source: counselingcenter.illinois.edu, via maxmovinghands)
I love how the school threatened to suspend the girl while refusing to address the audist bullies who bullied her and other girls for using American Sign Language.
Go fuck yourself, Stonybrook School.
Via ABC News:
School officials have threatened a hearing-impaired girl with suspension if she uses sign language to talk to her friends on the school bus, the girl’s parents say.
Danica Lesko and her parents say sign language is the only way to for the 12-year-old to communicate, especially while riding to school on a noisy bus.
But officials at Stonybrook School — which is not a school for the hearing-impaired — and district officials in Branchburg, N.J., apparently believe signing is a safety hazard. They have sent a letter to the Lesko family ordering Danica to stop using sign language on the school bus or risk a three-day suspension.
The March 30 letter from her principal that said Danica was “doing sign language after being told it wasn’t allowed on the bus.”
The Leskos may file a lawsuit over the sign language ban, claiming officials are violating Danica’s civil rights and violating the Americans with Disabilities Act.
“She has a hearing problem, and now she’s being punished for using sign language,” Mary Ann Lesko, Danica’s mother, told The Star-Ledger of Newark. “It’s absurd.”
Danica’s parents told the paper that other students who rode to school with their daughter made fun of her, and refused to stay in their seats as they teased other girls who were using sign language. They said school officials are singling out Danica and not addressing those who should really be reprimanded.
Schools Officials: Safety First
In a statement released through the school district’s attorney, David Rubin, the Branchburg Board of Education refused to discuss the details of Danica’s case, saying only that its version of events differs from the parents’ version.
However, the board insisted it has not violated anyone’s rights and is only trying to protect other students who must ride on the school bus.
“The Board is committed to providing reasonable accommodations to all students with disabilities, and is satisfied that there has been no violation of that policy in this case,” officials said in the statement. “The Board is also committed to assuring the safety of all students who travel on District buses, and will continue to take appropriate steps to accomplish that goal.”
One deaf-rights advocate said Danica’s parents have a strong basis for a lawsuit because sign language could be a considered a foreign language, and school officials could be violating the girl’s First Amendment right to communicate.
“Why should there be a ban?” asked Charlotte Karras, outreach coordinator for the Edison, N.J.-based Alliance for Disabled in Action. “It’s a violation of her communication rights. She’s said it’s the only way she can communicate with her friends … It’s [the ban] against the ADA and violates the First Amendment and her family can file a discrimination suit citing the Americans With Disabilities Act.”
Karras said her organization would be willing to help the Leskos with any legal action.
Danica’s parents say she began losing her hearing last November, when a classmate allegedly shot a bottle rocket near her ear. They have already sued the Branchburg School District over that incident.
WHAT.THE.FUCK
Does anyone know what’s “proper” or culturally correct regarding when anyone with a name sign in ASL transitions? Does their name sign change? Can they change it if they are not Deaf? Does it only need to change if its gendered, or if their first initial is a part of it?
I don’t know enough about name sign customs and rules in general but this has been bugging me for awhile, especially since I’ve started to learn ASL.
There’s not really a lot of information about this sort of thing. I know several Deaf people who changed their name sign before/after transitioning. I also changed my name sign because I stopped using my birth name as well so it didn’t make sense to keep the same name sign. I later on went back to my birth name but modified my new name sign and kept it. I’m thinking if one is not Deaf, they cannot change their name sign but they can talk to their friends about getting a new name sign that matches their new name/ gender identity, etc. But if they’re Deaf, they should be able to do this. However, there are some people who also think Deaf people shouldn’t give themselves name signs and its something that should be given to you but I think when it comes to something like this, it becomes such a personal thing.
If the name sign isn’t initialized or gendered (name by forehead can often be thought to be more common for boys, for example), one might not feel the need to change their name sign but I think often people need some distance from the name they used while growing up (whether it’s a birth name or a name sign)… so one might still want to change their name sign. It really depends.
I would really love if there was some research & in depth discussions about name sign changes when it comes to people within the queer/trans* community.
Whenever I try to explain why ASL is so special to me, I get all flustered trying to come up with words to express how ASL moves me. Even when I couldn’t put together a phrase in sign language, I would sit in amazement of how others could articulate their thoughts without being verbal.
People who know me know I love to talk. I love to have conversations with people, & I love getting to know people. Before I could really express myself in ASL, I would sit around almost jumping out of my seat with thoughts & ideas that I wanted to say but couldn’t. It was the most amazing feeling whenever I was able to communicate my thoughts in sign language! That’s what kept me going.
ASL has always felt like an extension of me, even when it felt so foreign. ASL gives me a completely new way of expressing myself: visually. My personality is very verbal, but ASL turns my voice off & forces me to communicate through seeing; like music to my eyes.
I have even met some hearing people that say it’s easier for them to express themselves through ASL. For me, ASL is form of self-expression that I really connect with. For some, ASL is their only form self-expression. Many D/deaf/HOH, of course, use ASL as their main mode of communication. That’s what they created it for! But it’s interesting how even hearing people can connect with ASL on a deep level.
ASL/sign language is so special; different than any other language. I could be standing across a room from another person & as long as we can see each other, we can communicate. No matter how far away we are, we’re connected. No words. No voice. Just hands. As a hearing person, this never ceases to amaze me.
ASL has benefited me so much as a person, & still all I can do is sit in gratitude & try to think of what I could do to give back some of what it’s given me <3
<3
1903
This should be me.
(Source: sisterwolf, via manybothans)